Although many Muslims may right now be in failing marriages and on a fast track to divorce and its terrible consequences, there are many ways to put their marriage back on the right track if the husband and wife are sincere in their desire to reconcile. The following principles can be used by Muslims whose marriages are already in trouble or by Muslims who would like to avoid trouble in their marriage.
Examples of Negative
Relationship of Husband & Wife
Many Muslim husbands and wives treat each other like adversaries rather than partners. The husband feels that he is the boss, and whatever he says goes. The wife feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some wives never show their husband that they are satisfied with anything he does or buys for them in order to trick him into doing and buying more. They make him feel like a failure if he does not give them the lifestyle that their friends and families enjoy. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in the family.
Marriage In The Eyes of Allah
It is very sad that this relationship which Allah (SWT) has established for the good has been made a source of contention, deception, trickery, tyranny, humiliation, and abuse. This is not the way marriage is supposed to be.
Allah (SWT) described marriage very differently in the Holy Quran: '. . . He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts) . . . " (Holy Quran 30:21, Yusuf Ali Translation).
Do not be a Tyrant
Regardless of whether or not Islam has made the husband the head of the household, Muslims are not supposed to be dictators and tyrants. We are taught to treat our wives well. The Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives" (From Mishkat al-Masabih, No. 0278(R) Transmitted by Tirmidhi).
Be Partners in the Decision Making Process.
Follow the principle of 'Shura," and make decisions as a family. There will be much more harmony in the family when decisions are not imposed and everyone feels that they had some part in making them.
Never be Emotionally
Never be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive to your spouse. The Prophet (SAWS) never mistreated his wives. He is reported to have said: 'How could they beat their women in daytime as slaves and then sleep with them in the night?"
Be Careful of Your Words
Be very careful what you say when you are upset. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you were not angry. If you are angry, wait until you calm down before continuing the conversation.
Show Affection
Show affection for your mate. Be kind, gentle, and loving.
Be Your Spouse's Friend
Show interest in your mate's life. Too often, we live in the same house but know nothing about each other's lives. It would be great if the husband and wife could work together for the same cause or on the same project. They could perhaps establish a husband/wife prison ministry, take care of orphans in their home, or lead an Islamic weekend class.
Show Appreciation
Show appreciation for what your spouse does for the family. Never make your husband feel that he is not doing good enough for the family or that you are not satisfied with his work or his efforts, unless, of course, he is truly lazy and not even trying to provide for the family. The Prophet (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'On the Day of Judgment, God will not look upon the woman who has been ungrateful to her husband." (where is this hadith found) Show your wife that you appreciate her. If she takes care of the house and the children, don't take it for granted. It is hard work, and no one likes to feel unappreciated.
Work Together in the House
The Prophet (SAWS) is known to have helped his wives in the house. And if the Prophet (SAWS) was not above doing housework, modern Muslim husbands shouldn't feel that they are.
Communication is Important
Communication, Communication, Communication! This is the big word in counseling. And it should be. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let them pile up until an explosion occurs.
Forget Past Problems
Don't bring up past problems once they have been solved.
Live Simply
Don't be jealous of those who seem to be living a more luxurious life than your family. The 'rizq" is from Allah (SWT). In order to develop the quality of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not those who have more. Thank Allah (SWT) for the many blessings in your life.
Give Your Spouse Time Alone
If your mate doesn't want to be with you all the time, it doesn't mean he or she doesn't love you. People need to be alone for various reasons. Sometimes they want to read, to think about their problems, or just to relax. Don't make them feel that they are committing a sin.
Admit Your Mistakes
When you make a mistake, admit it. When your mate makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never go to sleep angry with each other.
Physical Relationship is Important
Be available to your mate sexually, and don't let your sexual relationship be characterized by selfishness. The Prophet (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'It is not appropriate that you fall upon your wives like a beast but you must send a message of love beforehand."
Have Meals Together
Try to eat together as a family when possible. Show the cook and the dishwasher, whether it is the husband or the wife, appreciation for his or her efforts. The Prophet (SAWS) did not complain about food that was put before him.
Be Mindful of Your discussion Topics
Never discuss with others things about your marriage that your spouse wouldn't like you to discuss, unless there is an Islamic reason to do so. Some husbands and wives, believe it or not, complain to others about their mate's physical appearance. This is a recipe for disaster. Information about your intimate relations should be kept between you and your spouse.
Many of us treat our spouses in ways that we would never treat others. With others, we try to be polite, kind, and patient. With our spouses, we often do not show these courtesies. Of course, we are usually with our spouses at our worst times --- when we are tired and frustrated after a hard day. After a bad day at the office, husbands usually come home angry and on edge. The wife has probably also had a hard day with the children and the housework. Wives and husbands should discuss this potential time bomb so that if they are short-tempered with each other during these times, they will understand the reasons rather than automatically thinking that their spouse no longer loves them.
Good marriages require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice, empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work. Following these principles should help any marriage to improve. The essence of them all can be summed up in one sentence: Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated. If you follow this rule, your marriage will have a much greater chance for success. If you discard this rule, failure is just around the corner.
Showing posts with label Islamic Ways of Living. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Islamic Ways of Living. Show all posts
Friday, May 7, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Muslim Women Working Outside the Home
Many families, especially in the West, consider it normal and even necessary for the wife to have a job outside the home---either to make ends meet or to make it possible for the family to maintain a certain quality of life. Presented below is an Islamic view on women working outside the home.
Disintegration of Families:
However, the family in the West is disintegrating, and many believe that this lifestyle is a major part of the problem. With the mother and father both working outside the home, the children's lives are often filled with loneliness, lack of training, and perhaps frustration and anger with their rarely present parents. These children are often left in the hands of baby-sitters (some good, some not-so-good, and some really bad) and the infamous one-eyed baby-sitter, the TV. The parents goal of improving their family's financial situation by having two breadwinners often backfires, and the family is sometimes harmed or destroyed in the process.
Muslim Households
Affected by Western Lifestyle
Muslims in the West are now beginning to face this same problem. Many Muslim women are now pursuing higher education and careers in such fields as medicine, law, education, computers, and engineering. When they get married, they may want to continue working in their chosen profession.
Potential Problems for
Ladies Working Outside their Homes
Depending on how the situation is handled, this could cause major upheavals in the Muslim family. Several potential problems might arise.
The husband may feel jealous or worried about his wife who has the chance of being flirted with by male coworkers, forced at times to work alone with males, or even sexually harassed at work, Although wearing hijab, conducting herself in a purely professional manner, and drawing the line with male coworkers when necessary may prevent these problems, the potential for danger is still there.
Less Quality Time Together
Moreover, with both husband and wife employed outside the home, the opportunities for the husband and wife to spend quality time together may be dramatically decreased, especially if they have different work hours.
Household Responsibilities Unattended
A major problem that often comes up in this kind of marriage is determining who is responsible for certain aspects of taking care of the household. Although it might be possible to hire a person to help with the cooking and the cleaning of the house, security and privacy might be sacrificed. If a relative is available to help, such as a live-in mother or mother-in-law, it might be easier. However, if nothing like that is available, tension may be inevitable. Although the husband definitely needs to help in the house, he is the one who has the ultimate responsibility for supporting the family, and he may feel that he should not be expected to work outside the home and cook and clean the house as well. He might feel that since his wife is not obligated to work outside the house and if they don't need the additional income, she should take care of the house. Arguments about household responsibilities are likely to become commonplace.
Women Taking Jobs Away from Women
An indirect problem caused by more and more women working outside the home is that sometimes men, who have the ultimately responsibility for providing financial support to their families, cannot find adequate jobs because so many are taken by women to earn extra income or merely to satisfy their desire to have a career.
These serious problems for the family and the society might occur even before any children are born. They will likely get worse afterward. In addition, other problems will likely arise.
Mother's Return to Work
May Affect Her Child
If a child is born, decisions must be made about whether or not the mother will return to work and, if so, when? Some jobs expect the woman to return to work very soon after the child is born. Others may allow her to take off more time to be with her child without the risk of losing her job. In addition, the parents must consider how the mother's returning to work will affect their child. Mildred M. El-Amin writes in Family Roots: The Quranic View of Family Life:
'Who Will Care for My Child," an article in the January 1989 edition of Plain Truth magazine, written by Sheila Graham, presents some important considerations for new mothers. More and more experts are acknowledging that infants and toddlers do not thrive physically, mentally and emotionally in day-care institutions. Research reveals, '...babies under the care of someone other than their mother for more than 20 hours a week during the first year of life are adversely affected...are insecure and more likely to be excessively aggressive and uncooperative in school."
The article continues, 'Human infants acquire more knowledge before they are a year old than they will in any other comparable year of their lives. By the time the baby is 5 or 6 months old, most mental and physical abilities that are acquired will depend upon the response and interest of parents, especially the mother." . . . Too long have women's value as the primary nurturers and educators of their children been devalued and downgraded. Women who choose to stay home with their children must never again feel they need to apologize for their occupation. Many of the devastating problems we see with our children today are rooted in a lack of bonding with parents in the early years of life, particularly a lack of mothering. The needs of new mothers are approached in a much more civilized manner in some other parts of the world than in the United States: In Sweden, following child birth, women receive 90% of their gross income for nine months; Soviet mothers receive full salary for 1 and 1/2 to 2 years, and 50 to 75% for the third year, and are guaranteed their job; British women receive 18 weeks maternity leave; French women receive 16 weeks. In the U.S., the average is one month maternity leave, and often this is without pay. (1991, 192-193)
Who Will Take Care of Children
If both mother and father work outside the home, how will they arrange for taking care of the children? They could try to arrange their schedules so that one parent will always be able to be with the children. However, if they work different shifts so that one can always be home with the children, they will inevitably have very little time to be together as husband and wife and as a family.
Hiring a Baby-sitter
If they hire someone to baby-sit their children, they may sacrifice some of their security, their privacy, and their children's best interest. A baby-sitter can look after their child, but she will not care as much about their child as its parents do. She will have more priorities than insuring that their child is properly trained and taught. If she spends 8 hours a day with their child, three hours may be spent on the telephone and three watching television. The other two hours their child may be napping. She may be with their child, but it may not be the quality time the child needs and deserves.
Screening a Baby-sitter
In addition, parents must not only be concerned about the quality of the actual baby-sitting, they must be extremely careful about the person they allow to baby-sit their child. They must either have personal knowledge of the person's character and integrity or be able to verify through a reliable source their character and integrity. Merely getting a reference from the baby-sitter and calling is not enough since baby-sitters can use a friend or relative as a fake reference. The parents will be leaving their child with this person. They should not leave their child with someone they would not even trust their car or money with. The same is unfortunately true for day-care centers. In the past years, some day-cares have come under intense scrutiny for their alleged mistreatment and abuse of children. Again, having a relative or very close friend available to watch the children will help. But this is not always possible. With older children, taking them to school during the day will help if the parents work at the same time the child is in school.
More Time in Daycare = Less Quality Time with Parents
No matter how good the care, children who grow up with baby-sitters and in day-cares and who have little quality time with their mother and father will likely be negatively affected. For some, it may be extremely harmful to their personalities and their development. Parents in this situation will have to decide whether or not the mother's working outside the house is worth the risk.
Women Working Outside
may Lead to Marital Problems
For many women, working outside the home will be a major problem and may ultimately lead to separation, divorce, and the destruction of her family.
When is it Desirable
for Women to Work Outside
Although the mother's working outside the home is clearly risky, there are situations where it might be necessary. Sometimes, a husband is truly unable to financially support the family alone, and the additional income of the wife is truly necessary. Moreover, some jobs, such as women doctors and nurses for women, are needed by the Muslim community as a whole. Also, some women may feel an emotional need to do some kind of work. They may feel the need to help others, to find solutions to the problems in the world, or to be active members of the society. They may not only want to work because they need the money, but because they feel the need to find an outlet for what they consider their God-given talents and abilities.
In Family Life in Islam, Khurshid Ahmad writes: ÒA man's major responsibilities lie outside the family. He is to support the family economically and materially . . . . . A woman's major responsibilities lie within the family." (34)
Although it seems that Allah () has not required women to go outside and work to support the family, it seems that it is not prohibited in certain circumstances. In Woman in Shariah (Islamic Law), Abdur Rahman I. Doi writes : 'Islam does not require women to participate in trade, the vocations or professions unless it is very necessary. . . . [T]he realm of activities for which men and women are created requires a woman to look after her matrimonial home, bring up children in a befitting manner and so on. If she is not neglectful of these duties, or she has reliable household help available to look after her children and relieve her of some of her domestic work, while at the same time she needs a little income to supplement her husband's earning, there is no objection in the Shariah if she goes out to work, but only with the consent of her husband." (147)
Question to Ask:
Is Working Outside Beneficial to Family
The question though does not necessarily come down to whether it is allowed or prohibited in Islam for the woman to work outside the home. Many will be able to establish a position that for them it is allowed. However, the essential question is whether it is beneficial or harmful to the family.
Since many Muslim women today are opting to pursue careers, solutions to the many problems pointed out above must be found.
Some Desirable Occupations for Women
There are several kinds of work that a Muslim woman can do to supplement her or her families income without seriously affecting her family or risking her honor: working from home; teaching women or children; and working as a nurse or doctor especially in obstetrics, gynecology, or pediatrics are a few possibilities.
Women can Work From their Homes
Although in the past, home-based businesses for women often meant child-care, typing, sewing, making clothes, or making handicrafts, the modern trend of the home-office has changed this drastically. Today, many other jobs can be done from home. Writers, editors, artists, software developers, researchers, web-page designers, inventors, publishers, telemarketers, and many others are now able to work in their home-offices. It might even be possible to establish medical businesses from home with doctors or nurses making house calls rather than working in a hospital or medical office.
Benefits of Working From Home
Working in a home-office would also allow the wife and mother to be more flexible with her schedule, to work it around her husband and children's schedules and, thus, provide a better home environment. Encouraging younger women who are preparing for a possible career to choose one that can be done from home would be a wise start toward solving the problem of Muslim working women.
Women Working Part-Time in Outside jobs
However, if Muslim women decide to pursue careers that are not able to be done in the home, they might be encouraged to work only part-time. They can still have a career, but spend more time with the family as well. Since most Muslim women who have careers do not really need the money, and since many companies would be happy to hire them part-time in order to avoid having to provide fringe benefits to them, this is probably a viable solution for many. It would also free up many jobs for men who need them to support their families.
Performing Charity
Work to Keep Oneself Busy
If Muslim women just want to work and don't need the money, they can also do charity work as they like on their own schedule. They can utilize their talents and abilities and still have time to devote to their families.
The important thing is that we should start encouraging female Muslims who want to have a career to plan ahead for a career or a work situation that will not cause too much upheaval in the family and that will be best for the children. If they are really concerned about what is best for the wife, the husband, and the children, each family should be able to come up with a plan that can work for all.
Disintegration of Families:
However, the family in the West is disintegrating, and many believe that this lifestyle is a major part of the problem. With the mother and father both working outside the home, the children's lives are often filled with loneliness, lack of training, and perhaps frustration and anger with their rarely present parents. These children are often left in the hands of baby-sitters (some good, some not-so-good, and some really bad) and the infamous one-eyed baby-sitter, the TV. The parents goal of improving their family's financial situation by having two breadwinners often backfires, and the family is sometimes harmed or destroyed in the process.
Muslim Households
Affected by Western Lifestyle
Muslims in the West are now beginning to face this same problem. Many Muslim women are now pursuing higher education and careers in such fields as medicine, law, education, computers, and engineering. When they get married, they may want to continue working in their chosen profession.
Potential Problems for
Ladies Working Outside their Homes
Depending on how the situation is handled, this could cause major upheavals in the Muslim family. Several potential problems might arise.
The husband may feel jealous or worried about his wife who has the chance of being flirted with by male coworkers, forced at times to work alone with males, or even sexually harassed at work, Although wearing hijab, conducting herself in a purely professional manner, and drawing the line with male coworkers when necessary may prevent these problems, the potential for danger is still there.
Less Quality Time Together
Moreover, with both husband and wife employed outside the home, the opportunities for the husband and wife to spend quality time together may be dramatically decreased, especially if they have different work hours.
Household Responsibilities Unattended
A major problem that often comes up in this kind of marriage is determining who is responsible for certain aspects of taking care of the household. Although it might be possible to hire a person to help with the cooking and the cleaning of the house, security and privacy might be sacrificed. If a relative is available to help, such as a live-in mother or mother-in-law, it might be easier. However, if nothing like that is available, tension may be inevitable. Although the husband definitely needs to help in the house, he is the one who has the ultimate responsibility for supporting the family, and he may feel that he should not be expected to work outside the home and cook and clean the house as well. He might feel that since his wife is not obligated to work outside the house and if they don't need the additional income, she should take care of the house. Arguments about household responsibilities are likely to become commonplace.
Women Taking Jobs Away from Women
An indirect problem caused by more and more women working outside the home is that sometimes men, who have the ultimately responsibility for providing financial support to their families, cannot find adequate jobs because so many are taken by women to earn extra income or merely to satisfy their desire to have a career.
These serious problems for the family and the society might occur even before any children are born. They will likely get worse afterward. In addition, other problems will likely arise.
Mother's Return to Work
May Affect Her Child
If a child is born, decisions must be made about whether or not the mother will return to work and, if so, when? Some jobs expect the woman to return to work very soon after the child is born. Others may allow her to take off more time to be with her child without the risk of losing her job. In addition, the parents must consider how the mother's returning to work will affect their child. Mildred M. El-Amin writes in Family Roots: The Quranic View of Family Life:
'Who Will Care for My Child," an article in the January 1989 edition of Plain Truth magazine, written by Sheila Graham, presents some important considerations for new mothers. More and more experts are acknowledging that infants and toddlers do not thrive physically, mentally and emotionally in day-care institutions. Research reveals, '...babies under the care of someone other than their mother for more than 20 hours a week during the first year of life are adversely affected...are insecure and more likely to be excessively aggressive and uncooperative in school."
The article continues, 'Human infants acquire more knowledge before they are a year old than they will in any other comparable year of their lives. By the time the baby is 5 or 6 months old, most mental and physical abilities that are acquired will depend upon the response and interest of parents, especially the mother." . . . Too long have women's value as the primary nurturers and educators of their children been devalued and downgraded. Women who choose to stay home with their children must never again feel they need to apologize for their occupation. Many of the devastating problems we see with our children today are rooted in a lack of bonding with parents in the early years of life, particularly a lack of mothering. The needs of new mothers are approached in a much more civilized manner in some other parts of the world than in the United States: In Sweden, following child birth, women receive 90% of their gross income for nine months; Soviet mothers receive full salary for 1 and 1/2 to 2 years, and 50 to 75% for the third year, and are guaranteed their job; British women receive 18 weeks maternity leave; French women receive 16 weeks. In the U.S., the average is one month maternity leave, and often this is without pay. (1991, 192-193)
Who Will Take Care of Children
If both mother and father work outside the home, how will they arrange for taking care of the children? They could try to arrange their schedules so that one parent will always be able to be with the children. However, if they work different shifts so that one can always be home with the children, they will inevitably have very little time to be together as husband and wife and as a family.
Hiring a Baby-sitter
If they hire someone to baby-sit their children, they may sacrifice some of their security, their privacy, and their children's best interest. A baby-sitter can look after their child, but she will not care as much about their child as its parents do. She will have more priorities than insuring that their child is properly trained and taught. If she spends 8 hours a day with their child, three hours may be spent on the telephone and three watching television. The other two hours their child may be napping. She may be with their child, but it may not be the quality time the child needs and deserves.
Screening a Baby-sitter
In addition, parents must not only be concerned about the quality of the actual baby-sitting, they must be extremely careful about the person they allow to baby-sit their child. They must either have personal knowledge of the person's character and integrity or be able to verify through a reliable source their character and integrity. Merely getting a reference from the baby-sitter and calling is not enough since baby-sitters can use a friend or relative as a fake reference. The parents will be leaving their child with this person. They should not leave their child with someone they would not even trust their car or money with. The same is unfortunately true for day-care centers. In the past years, some day-cares have come under intense scrutiny for their alleged mistreatment and abuse of children. Again, having a relative or very close friend available to watch the children will help. But this is not always possible. With older children, taking them to school during the day will help if the parents work at the same time the child is in school.
More Time in Daycare = Less Quality Time with Parents
No matter how good the care, children who grow up with baby-sitters and in day-cares and who have little quality time with their mother and father will likely be negatively affected. For some, it may be extremely harmful to their personalities and their development. Parents in this situation will have to decide whether or not the mother's working outside the house is worth the risk.
Women Working Outside
may Lead to Marital Problems
For many women, working outside the home will be a major problem and may ultimately lead to separation, divorce, and the destruction of her family.
When is it Desirable
for Women to Work Outside
Although the mother's working outside the home is clearly risky, there are situations where it might be necessary. Sometimes, a husband is truly unable to financially support the family alone, and the additional income of the wife is truly necessary. Moreover, some jobs, such as women doctors and nurses for women, are needed by the Muslim community as a whole. Also, some women may feel an emotional need to do some kind of work. They may feel the need to help others, to find solutions to the problems in the world, or to be active members of the society. They may not only want to work because they need the money, but because they feel the need to find an outlet for what they consider their God-given talents and abilities.
In Family Life in Islam, Khurshid Ahmad writes: ÒA man's major responsibilities lie outside the family. He is to support the family economically and materially . . . . . A woman's major responsibilities lie within the family." (34)
Although it seems that Allah () has not required women to go outside and work to support the family, it seems that it is not prohibited in certain circumstances. In Woman in Shariah (Islamic Law), Abdur Rahman I. Doi writes : 'Islam does not require women to participate in trade, the vocations or professions unless it is very necessary. . . . [T]he realm of activities for which men and women are created requires a woman to look after her matrimonial home, bring up children in a befitting manner and so on. If she is not neglectful of these duties, or she has reliable household help available to look after her children and relieve her of some of her domestic work, while at the same time she needs a little income to supplement her husband's earning, there is no objection in the Shariah if she goes out to work, but only with the consent of her husband." (147)
Question to Ask:
Is Working Outside Beneficial to Family
The question though does not necessarily come down to whether it is allowed or prohibited in Islam for the woman to work outside the home. Many will be able to establish a position that for them it is allowed. However, the essential question is whether it is beneficial or harmful to the family.
Since many Muslim women today are opting to pursue careers, solutions to the many problems pointed out above must be found.
Some Desirable Occupations for Women
There are several kinds of work that a Muslim woman can do to supplement her or her families income without seriously affecting her family or risking her honor: working from home; teaching women or children; and working as a nurse or doctor especially in obstetrics, gynecology, or pediatrics are a few possibilities.
Women can Work From their Homes
Although in the past, home-based businesses for women often meant child-care, typing, sewing, making clothes, or making handicrafts, the modern trend of the home-office has changed this drastically. Today, many other jobs can be done from home. Writers, editors, artists, software developers, researchers, web-page designers, inventors, publishers, telemarketers, and many others are now able to work in their home-offices. It might even be possible to establish medical businesses from home with doctors or nurses making house calls rather than working in a hospital or medical office.
Benefits of Working From Home
Working in a home-office would also allow the wife and mother to be more flexible with her schedule, to work it around her husband and children's schedules and, thus, provide a better home environment. Encouraging younger women who are preparing for a possible career to choose one that can be done from home would be a wise start toward solving the problem of Muslim working women.
Women Working Part-Time in Outside jobs
However, if Muslim women decide to pursue careers that are not able to be done in the home, they might be encouraged to work only part-time. They can still have a career, but spend more time with the family as well. Since most Muslim women who have careers do not really need the money, and since many companies would be happy to hire them part-time in order to avoid having to provide fringe benefits to them, this is probably a viable solution for many. It would also free up many jobs for men who need them to support their families.
Performing Charity
Work to Keep Oneself Busy
If Muslim women just want to work and don't need the money, they can also do charity work as they like on their own schedule. They can utilize their talents and abilities and still have time to devote to their families.
The important thing is that we should start encouraging female Muslims who want to have a career to plan ahead for a career or a work situation that will not cause too much upheaval in the family and that will be best for the children. If they are really concerned about what is best for the wife, the husband, and the children, each family should be able to come up with a plan that can work for all.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
How to Help Muslims Get Married: Tips for Parents
Sad but shocking reality: the divorce rate amongst Muslims in North America is one of the highest in the world.
According to New York-based Muslim sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus, Muslims in Canada and the U.S. have a divorce rate of 33 percent.
The world's highest is the general U.S. population's of 48.6 percent, followed by the United Kingdom's of 36 percent.
Many assume divorce means problems began in the course of the marriage, whether it was communication breakdown or irreconcilable differences.
But there are many difficulties that lead to divorce which could have been avoided right from the beginning. This could have happened if individuals, parents, guardians and Imams had played their role right when communication between two Muslims seeking marriage began.
Below, we give you some tips and advice of what you can do:
HOW PARENTS CAN HELP:
The older woman noticed her instantly.
The twenty-something girl was an American Muslima, her white skin and Caucasian features bore testimony to that. She was perfect for her dear son Muhsin.
As she walked closer to her, she noticed the young woman talking to someone of a darker complexion.
The woman rushed up.
“Assalamu alaykum,” she said smiling at the American Muslima.
“Wa alaykum as Salaam,” replied the sister and her friend in unison, both a bit startled by the enthusiasm and ardor with which they were being greeted.
“I would like you to marry my son,” said the woman barely inches away from the American Muslima, and making no eye contact at all with her friend.
“But, but why,” she stammered.
“Because you are white and you are wearing a Jelbab. You will make a perfect wife for my Muhsin!”
(This is based on a true story, in which the ethnicity of two of the people involved has been changed
*******
While some would be surprised at the candor and bluntness of the older woman in the above-mentioned scenario, such scenes are not uncommon. Many parents seem to think approaching a prospect out of the blue will “reserve” this person for their son/daughter.
If you as a parent want to play an effective role in helping your children seek the right mate, things have to be done differently.
1.Understand your role
Your role as a mother or father is not to be the final arbiter of your child's marriage. This may be how marriages were arranged “back home” in a Muslim country, but it is not the Islamic way. Nor is this way acceptable to most Muslims who have grown up in the West.
That said, the parents have a tremendous responsibility in the process. They:
Winnipeg, Canada-based Muslim social worker Shahina Siddiqui says parents have to sit down with their kids and openly discuss what kind of husband or wife s/he is looking for.
You may live in the same household as your children and think you know them inside out, but many parents are shocked to find their kids' ideas about who they want to marry can be drastically different from what they expected.
Marrying cousin X or Y from “back home” may just not be acceptable.
Or the nice boy or girl from the local cultural community who is highly educated and very well-off financially may be of little interest to a son or daughter because of their lack of Islamic knowledge and practice.
Open-mindedness and clear communication may reveal a side of your kids that may be hard to swallow. However, you must remember that marriage primarily affects the two people involved in the relationship. They must like the person they are marrying.
3. Clearly outline the rules of meeting a potential mate
Siddiqui says parents must set boundaries as to how and when they will meet prospective candidates.
Too often, Muslims stray by thinking seeking a mate is an excuse to engage in dating. Dating occurs when a man and woman spend time alone together. This is usually not with the intention of getting involved in a long-term or serious relationship. It is just to “have fun”. There is no little to no serious discussion of future plans and/or the intention to marry.
Dating can occur amongst two Muslims seeking marriage if they want to go out alone, with no third party present to “get to know each other”. This can also develop through hours of unnecessary phone or e-mail conversations.
Setting the boundaries of meeting a prospective mate is your responsibility as a Muslim parent.
The rules to remember include the following: the meeting must be chaperoned so the two are not alone together, both prospective partners are lowering the gaze and both are sticking to the topic in the course of discussions (for more explanation of some of these points see the article 6 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse at www.soundvision.com).
One suggestion Siddiqui gives in this regard is to avoid late night meetings between prospective candidates and chaperones because at the end of the day, people are tired, their defenses are down. For this kind of a meeting, all parties need to be very alert.
4. Give an allotted time for the meeting
Meetings between prospective spouses must not last for an extremely long time, like being away most of the day to meet this person. Parents should give an allotted time for the two to meet and talk.
5. Investigate thoroughly
One of the reasons for many divorces is the lack of proper investigation of a prospective marriage partner before marriage.
Parents have this heavy responsibility of finding out as much as possible about the individual who will possibly spend the rest of their life with their son or daughter.
Investigation does not mean just asking two or three family friends or community members. Deeper digging is necessary.
The case of one Imam's daughter in the U.S. serves as a chilling example.
This Imam asked a Muslim brother to check out a boy who was seeking marriage with his daughter. On the surface, all seemed fine. But upon further investigation it was discovered that he drinks alcohol. This fact was also confirmed by two other Muslims. The mediator in this case told Sound Vision that he never would have guessed, looking at the boy, that he drinks.
Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe provides another good way of fact checking on a proposal.
One sister she knows received a proposal from a brother who lived in a different city. To check this prospective mate out, one of her relatives went to the mosque this person attends and observed and talked to him without him knowing he was her relative. Her relative found the brother unsuitable and let her know about this.
6. Be honest
Parents as well as individuals looking for a spouse must be honest with regards to their credentials, background and other pertinent details about their personal lives.
Inflating your son or daughter's educational credentials, for example, will only backfire when checking reveals this is untrue.
7. Take your time.
Siddiqui stresses the importance of not rushing a son or daughter into marriage. If you find someone for your son or daughter at a two-day Islamic conference, for example, and this is the initiation of the process, more time must be given to checking facts and references.
Ideally, she says references should always be asked for and checked out before meeting in person. And this goes for boys and girls.
8. Never Be pushy
(Another true story)
A young Muslim sister, practicing, Hijab-wearing, bright (she was studying at one of America's most prestigious universities) stepped in front of a moving train in Chicago and killed herself.
Why?
Because her parents refused to listen to what she was looking for in a husband. They wanted to hand pick and completely decide who she would spend the rest of her life with.
This incident is an extreme example of the kind of pressure some parents apply to get their kids to marry the “right one”, often in complete variance with what the young man or woman is looking for.
Needless to say, this is not condoned by Islam. Neither is suicide as a way out of difficult situations.
Another form of pressure is put on those who are given a proposal. It is not uncommon to see sisters or their parents pursued by the parents of others who are interested in their son or daughter. This can even reach the level of harassment at times.
Forced marriages are not only unIslamic. They pose a danger to your children's future, as well as that of your grandchildren. Would you want your grandchildren to experience the pain and emotional turmoil of a divorce which could have been avoided if both parties had had more say in the choice of a partner?
According to New York-based Muslim sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus, Muslims in Canada and the U.S. have a divorce rate of 33 percent.
The world's highest is the general U.S. population's of 48.6 percent, followed by the United Kingdom's of 36 percent.
Many assume divorce means problems began in the course of the marriage, whether it was communication breakdown or irreconcilable differences.
But there are many difficulties that lead to divorce which could have been avoided right from the beginning. This could have happened if individuals, parents, guardians and Imams had played their role right when communication between two Muslims seeking marriage began.
Below, we give you some tips and advice of what you can do:
HOW PARENTS CAN HELP:
The older woman noticed her instantly.
The twenty-something girl was an American Muslima, her white skin and Caucasian features bore testimony to that. She was perfect for her dear son Muhsin.
As she walked closer to her, she noticed the young woman talking to someone of a darker complexion.
The woman rushed up.
“Assalamu alaykum,” she said smiling at the American Muslima.
“Wa alaykum as Salaam,” replied the sister and her friend in unison, both a bit startled by the enthusiasm and ardor with which they were being greeted.
“I would like you to marry my son,” said the woman barely inches away from the American Muslima, and making no eye contact at all with her friend.
“But, but why,” she stammered.
“Because you are white and you are wearing a Jelbab. You will make a perfect wife for my Muhsin!”
(This is based on a true story, in which the ethnicity of two of the people involved has been changed
*******
While some would be surprised at the candor and bluntness of the older woman in the above-mentioned scenario, such scenes are not uncommon. Many parents seem to think approaching a prospect out of the blue will “reserve” this person for their son/daughter.
If you as a parent want to play an effective role in helping your children seek the right mate, things have to be done differently.
1.Understand your role
Your role as a mother or father is not to be the final arbiter of your child's marriage. This may be how marriages were arranged “back home” in a Muslim country, but it is not the Islamic way. Nor is this way acceptable to most Muslims who have grown up in the West.
That said, the parents have a tremendous responsibility in the process. They:
- a. suggest individuals as prospective spouses
b. thoroughly screen and check proposals, call references
c. act as the third party between the two candidates
Winnipeg, Canada-based Muslim social worker Shahina Siddiqui says parents have to sit down with their kids and openly discuss what kind of husband or wife s/he is looking for.
You may live in the same household as your children and think you know them inside out, but many parents are shocked to find their kids' ideas about who they want to marry can be drastically different from what they expected.
Marrying cousin X or Y from “back home” may just not be acceptable.
Or the nice boy or girl from the local cultural community who is highly educated and very well-off financially may be of little interest to a son or daughter because of their lack of Islamic knowledge and practice.
Open-mindedness and clear communication may reveal a side of your kids that may be hard to swallow. However, you must remember that marriage primarily affects the two people involved in the relationship. They must like the person they are marrying.
3. Clearly outline the rules of meeting a potential mate
Siddiqui says parents must set boundaries as to how and when they will meet prospective candidates.
Too often, Muslims stray by thinking seeking a mate is an excuse to engage in dating. Dating occurs when a man and woman spend time alone together. This is usually not with the intention of getting involved in a long-term or serious relationship. It is just to “have fun”. There is no little to no serious discussion of future plans and/or the intention to marry.
Dating can occur amongst two Muslims seeking marriage if they want to go out alone, with no third party present to “get to know each other”. This can also develop through hours of unnecessary phone or e-mail conversations.
Setting the boundaries of meeting a prospective mate is your responsibility as a Muslim parent.
The rules to remember include the following: the meeting must be chaperoned so the two are not alone together, both prospective partners are lowering the gaze and both are sticking to the topic in the course of discussions (for more explanation of some of these points see the article 6 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse at www.soundvision.com).
One suggestion Siddiqui gives in this regard is to avoid late night meetings between prospective candidates and chaperones because at the end of the day, people are tired, their defenses are down. For this kind of a meeting, all parties need to be very alert.
4. Give an allotted time for the meeting
Meetings between prospective spouses must not last for an extremely long time, like being away most of the day to meet this person. Parents should give an allotted time for the two to meet and talk.
5. Investigate thoroughly
One of the reasons for many divorces is the lack of proper investigation of a prospective marriage partner before marriage.
Parents have this heavy responsibility of finding out as much as possible about the individual who will possibly spend the rest of their life with their son or daughter.
Investigation does not mean just asking two or three family friends or community members. Deeper digging is necessary.
The case of one Imam's daughter in the U.S. serves as a chilling example.
This Imam asked a Muslim brother to check out a boy who was seeking marriage with his daughter. On the surface, all seemed fine. But upon further investigation it was discovered that he drinks alcohol. This fact was also confirmed by two other Muslims. The mediator in this case told Sound Vision that he never would have guessed, looking at the boy, that he drinks.
Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe provides another good way of fact checking on a proposal.
One sister she knows received a proposal from a brother who lived in a different city. To check this prospective mate out, one of her relatives went to the mosque this person attends and observed and talked to him without him knowing he was her relative. Her relative found the brother unsuitable and let her know about this.
6. Be honest
Parents as well as individuals looking for a spouse must be honest with regards to their credentials, background and other pertinent details about their personal lives.
Inflating your son or daughter's educational credentials, for example, will only backfire when checking reveals this is untrue.
7. Take your time.
Siddiqui stresses the importance of not rushing a son or daughter into marriage. If you find someone for your son or daughter at a two-day Islamic conference, for example, and this is the initiation of the process, more time must be given to checking facts and references.
Ideally, she says references should always be asked for and checked out before meeting in person. And this goes for boys and girls.
8. Never Be pushy
(Another true story)
A young Muslim sister, practicing, Hijab-wearing, bright (she was studying at one of America's most prestigious universities) stepped in front of a moving train in Chicago and killed herself.
Why?
Because her parents refused to listen to what she was looking for in a husband. They wanted to hand pick and completely decide who she would spend the rest of her life with.
This incident is an extreme example of the kind of pressure some parents apply to get their kids to marry the “right one”, often in complete variance with what the young man or woman is looking for.
Needless to say, this is not condoned by Islam. Neither is suicide as a way out of difficult situations.
Another form of pressure is put on those who are given a proposal. It is not uncommon to see sisters or their parents pursued by the parents of others who are interested in their son or daughter. This can even reach the level of harassment at times.
Forced marriages are not only unIslamic. They pose a danger to your children's future, as well as that of your grandchildren. Would you want your grandchildren to experience the pain and emotional turmoil of a divorce which could have been avoided if both parties had had more say in the choice of a partner?
Thursday, April 1, 2010
CELIBACY
The Sunna of the Prophet (s) was marriage, and he regarded total celibacy as unnatural and against the will of Allah. Anas ibn Malik recorded the case of a man who decided that all troubles were caused by marriage, and so instead of marrying he would pass his life in prayer. When this came to the attention of the Prophet (s), he said: `By Allah, I keep nafl (optional) fasts, but I also discontinue them; I pray at night, but I also sleep; I also marry women - and this is my sunna. Whoever shuns my sunna is not of me.' (Bukhari.)
`O young people! Whoever among you is capable of sexual intercourse should marry, for that is more modest for the gaze and safer for the private parts; and whoever cannot, should fast, for that is a form of castration.' (Muslim)
A'isha recorded that he said: `Nikah (marriage) is my sunna, and he who shuns my sunna is not of me.' (Muslim)
`Anyone who refuses to marry is shirking his farm-work, wasting the seed, and leaving idle the appropriate tools created by God; he sins against the purpose of creation and the wisdom visible in the evidence of natural structure. The man who refuses to marry has severed a chain of being, a previously unbroken chain linking his own existence to that of Adam.' (al-Ghazali)
A bachelor once asked Imam al-Ghazali: `Which should I choose: marriage, or total devotion to God? 'Both', he replied.
It is related that after his death, the pious bachelor Bishr al-Hafi appeared to someone in a dream, and was asked: `How has God treated you? 'I have been given a high rank in the Garden of Paradise,' he said, `and was allowed to look upon the stations of the Prophets; yet I never attained to the ranks of the married.' When asked what had become of Abu Nasr al-Tammar, he replied: `He has been raised seventy degrees above me.' People were surprised, and asked how this could be, and he answered: `He earned that by his patience with his little daughters and his family burdens.'
Celibacy of the unmarried is to be solved by marrying someone suitable as soon as possible, in the light of one's financial circumstances, while widows and divorced people should try to remarry.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
TEMPTATION
Just because a person gets married, they are not suddenly made blind, or incapable of feeling a sudden urge for someone outside the marriage. It is vital that one deals promptly with the urge, so that the marriage partner is not hurt, the marriage is not weakened, and the possibility of major sin is averted.
A hadith tells us that the eye can commit zina. And as Imam alGhazali points out:
`the zina of the eye is one of the major faults, and soon leads on to a mortal and obscene sin, which is the zina of the flesh. The man who is unable to turn away his eyes will not be able to safeguard himself against unchastity.' (Disciplining the Soul)
In the Holy Quran (24:30-1) we read:
`Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and preserve their chastity. That is purer for them. Assuredly, Allah is Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and preserve their chastity ...
And the Prophet (s) said:
`A gaze is a poisoned arrow from Satan. Whoever abstains from it in fear of Allah shall receive from Him an increase in faith, the sweetness of which he shall feel in his heart.' (Ibn Hanbal)
The Prophet Yahya was once asked: `How does fornication begin?' and he replied: `With looking and wishing.'
No one should ever be too confident about his or her ability to control the sex drive. AI-Fayyad ibn Najih said: `When a man's penis becomes erect, two-thirds of his reason departs.' It is for this reason that khalwa - being alone with a non-mahrarn member of the opposite sex - is not permitted. Often taqwa is the only force powerful enough to save human beings from the disaster of adultery - and it is easy to overestimate the degree of one's own piety!
TEASING AND MENTAL CRUELTY
This is not permissible. Most women get very hurt by their husband's hankering after beautiful women on TV, videos, or in magazines. Husbands should learn the Islamic virtues of tact and contentment, and realise that a wife is not a model or a film-star, and may have all sorts of physical defects - but she loves you very much, and it is bad-mannered and wrong to hurt her feelings or deliberately make her jealous. Remember that film-stars and models are forever young and willing to please, whereas real human women get older, have aches and pains, get tired, and may not be overcome with enthusiasm for you. Remember that you too are not getting any younger! And remember that you should not be looking at those other women anyway ... (see Sura 24:30-31).
SPORT
It is a sunna to remain fit, and several types of sport are specifically recommended. They should not, of course, turn into an obsession. If the husband has to play sport every Saturday or Sunday, the wife should learn to live with this and use the time for things she can do better while he is out of the way. Husbands - remember your wife's good grace, and reward her!
Husbands need to remember that wives do not always want to watch sport on TV, and have a right to see some programmes of their choice too. Wives need to know that a real football fanatic cannot possibly be shifted from the `box' when a particular match is on, and will resist all pressure or temptation. There is no point in a wife trying to prove to herself that he loves her by attempting to seduce him while he is trying to watch the World Cup; he will only get more and more irritated by her. She should not `bash her head against a brick wall', but make the husband comfortable, see to his needs, and pick up his gratitude afterwards!
PRAYER (salat)
It is important to a close relationship to pray together as much as possible. One purpose of the salat is to bring people closer together through spiritual and physical proximity, and this can be especially therapeutic in marriage. If also has the effect of attracting angels to the house.
NAGGING
The idea is to wear down the partner by continually going on about something. It rarely works, is never attractive in either partner, and can push a marriage onto the rocks because of one partner's tireless campaign to change the character of the other rather than loving them for what they are. The Prophet (s) disliked nags and gossips, and those with caustic tongues - no matter how religious they were.
A man said: `O Messenger of Allah, such-and-such a woman has a reputation for praying to an enormous extent, fasting and giving charity, but she harms her neighbours with her tongue.' He replied: `She is of the people of Hell.' Then the man mentioned another woman who didn't fast or pray much, but who `gives a piece of curd as sadaqa, and does not harm her neighbours with her tongue.' He replied, `She is of the people of Paradise.' (Ibn Hanbal)
And remember that your spouse is your nearest 'neighbour'!
MODESTY (haya')
Most Muslim women are extremely modest -the Prophet (s) said that `modesty brings nothing but good' - and so do not like to be looked at when nude. Have respect for your wife's feelings, and allow her to retain some clothing or put out the lights if she feels happier that way. Otherwise, she may be very inhibited and unhappy. Similarly, some Muslim men prefer to retain some clothing when in the bedroom. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with this. Others enjoy complete nudity, which is acceptable also. The scholars hold that is permissible to look at the private parts of one's spouse.
`When anyone from among you wishes to have sexual intercourse with his wife, he should pull a cover over him, and they should not be naked like two donkeys.' (A weak hadith in Ibn Maja)
MEN UNUSED TO WOMEN
If a man has not had to live with sisters, he will often be quite taken aback by female `trappings', such as tights hanging up in the bathroom, or girl's underwear on the radiators. The most important woman in his life has been his mother, and he may expect his wife to have the same habits and views, opinions on going out to work, looking after husbands, and so on - in which case living with a modern young woman may come as a shock! Worse, if his mother spoiled him, he may be completely untrained, and may even have treated his mother rather like a servant, and now expects his new wife to endlessly run round after him picking things up. A good Muslim man takes on marriage as a new form of living, and should be willing to be sympathetic, to be helpful, and to adjust to the new situation. A Muslim wife recognises that in some ways men nowadays always remain boys, but it is her duty to make him take responsibility for himself and his children - she is not his slave!
`Make things easy for people, and do not make them hard; cheer people up and do not rebuff them.' (Hadith from Muslim.)
LOOSE TALK
Never speak about your intimate life to another person, unless you are seeking medical help. Loose chatter about intimate things is extremely damaging, and you will never know to whom these secrets will be passed on, or when they will return again to embarrass you.
`On the Day of Judgment the lowest person in the sight of God will be the man who is intimate with his wife and then broadcast her secrets.' (Hadith in Muslim)
`A man should never discuss sexual matters with any of his wife's relatives.' (Imam al-Nawawi, Sharh al-Arba'in)
HOUSEWIFE
Never say that a woman is `only' a housewife. This infuriates every woman. It is a massive, demanding job, sometimes without a break for sixteen hours a day, and there is no retirement age. It requires intelligence, forethought, compassion and skill, and should never be thought of as inferior to so called `real' jobs outside the home. In fact, it is usually more difficult. If a man is lucky enough to have a housewife, he should appreciate her as one of life's greatest treasures. The sunna of the Blessed Prophet was to help his wives cheerfully: he helped with the less pleasant `chores', and lived in appreciation and respect for his wives. (See pages 22 and 56.)
GENEROSITY
The Holy Quran warns frequently against niggardliness. Good Muslims `prefer others over themselves, though theirs be the greater need.' (59:9) Remember your spouse regularly, and offer gifts and surprises. A Muslim wife will always be on the lookout for little ways to treat her husband - husbands should try to return the compliment. Some men will go to any lengths to impress wealthy male friends, and yet cannot bring themselves to buy their wives a box of sweets!
`Whatever you spend for the pleasure of Allah, you will be rewarded for it. You will be rewarded even for that morsel which you put in the mouth of your wife.' (Bukhari and Muslim)
`The dinar you have spent in the way of Allah (is the one used) to liberate a slave, to help the poor, or on your wife and children; while the one that fetches the highest reward is the one you spend on your wife and children.' (Muslim)
`Give the worker his wage before his sweat dries!' (Muslim)
FATHERHOOD
This usually comes as a shock the first time round. Couples are often unprepared for the sheer exhaustion, if they are not in an extended family situation which can ease the strain. Babies cry a lot, need feeding at night, and so on. Things are never the same again - you cannot put the clock back. To make matters worse, babies often come along just at the time when the husband is trying hard to get on at work. Although these days there are various aids to help busy mothers (like disposable nappies), the decline of old-fashioned family life means that there is often no doting granny or aunt to help look after baby, and the stress for mothers can seem overwhelming. Many new mothers feel tired and sometimes depressed as a result, just when everyone is expecting them to be bouncing around with enthusiasm. Actual physical help and a lot of sympathy and love are the Muslim husband's duty. Also, men have to realise that the experience of childbirth is so total for a woman that her feelings for him may be pushed into the background, and although it is foolish for a man to feel jealous of his own child, this often happens. A Muslim woman tries to ensure that her husband is not neglected, and that he shares her love for the baby. It is very important that the husband picks up and loves the child, helps to nurse it when sick, and generally relates to it. A wife should not be expected to recommence intercourse with her husband for at least six weeks, and even then, if they are both too tired, it is important to reestablish a loving and private relationship that is consoling and tender.
EGO (nafs)
This is the biggest problem of all. Nothing in Islam is easy until the lower and selfish desires of the nafs are under control. Happiness and fulfillment in marriage come about through making sacrifices for the sake of spouse and children; and such sacrifices will be painful and perhaps even impossible if one's own ego regularly wins its battles against mind (aql) and spirit (ruh).
There are many ways of controlling and weakening the nafs. The first is observing its activities, and cutting down on things it is strongly attached to, such as laziness, suspicion, or even certain types of food or TV programmes. Fasting can be a real help here. It is also important at the end of every day to think back over one's actions, and consider how to rectify obvious faults and acts of selfishness. Saying each prayer at the beginning of its time, and regularly reciting the Holy Quran and any wird or wazifa you may have, will also help to grind down the ego, and replace its darkness with light and ease in the heart. `And as for him who fears the standing before his Lord, and forbids his nafs its whim, assuredly the Garden shall be his place of refuge.' (79:40)
DOWRY
In the Subcontinent, the practice of giving dowries to the bridegroom or his family is on the increase among Muslims, but this habit is hardly known elsewhere in the Islamic world, and is almost certainly a borrowing from Hinduism. According to the Sharia, it is the man who has to give a wedding-gift, not the other way around, the idea being to make him take the marriage seriously, and to provide her with some financial security. The practice of the Companions was to hand this mahr over at the time of the marriage itself. See also `Weddings' below.
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT
The Prophet (s) did not forbid a man from giving instructions to his wife, as long as these were in accordance with Islam, or from giving his wife some form of physical discipline - even though he himself never struck any of his wives. However, this did not mean that a husband was allowed to beat his wife for things like burning the dinner, or forgetting something she should have done, or simply because he was in a foul mood!
There is one Quranic verse that grants husbands permission, but it states that this is only in cases where they genuinely fear nushuz (`rebellion', which in this context means treating the husband with arrogance and refusing the marital bed as a permanent principle, not just the odd occasion when the woman might have been ill).
`Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, through that in which Allah has given one more than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part you fear rebellion, (first) admonish them, (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them; but if they return to obedience then do not seek against them any (further) means.' (Quran, 4:34)
The Prophet referred to this verse in his Final Sermon. He said:
`Hear me well! Treat your women kindly, for they resemble prisoners in your hands ... if they are guilty of flagrant misbehaviour, you may remove them from your beds, or beat them, but do not inflict upon them any severe punishment! Then, if they obey you, do not seek against them any (further) means. Hear me well! You have your rights over your wives, and they have their rights over you!'
The idea of punching or beating up a woman was totally repugnant to the Blessed Prophet, and belonged to the attitude towards women shown in the time of Jahiliya, or of societies where the consumption of alcohol was widespread. The hadiths tell us that he laughingly suggested that if a husband was obliged to spank his wife, he should use a miswak, the soff stick which Muslims use to clean the teeth (Tabari, Baghawi) or even a handkerchief (Razi).
A balance has to be struck between being a responsible male caring for a partner's earthly life and eternal fate (in trying to make her do the right thing), and allowing her the freedom to be herself -for in the end, her fate will be of her own making. It is obvious that when this permission was abused by violent men, the Prophet was very quick to listen to the complaints of the wives and rebuke the husbands.
Ibn Sa'd, for instance, comments that `the Prophet (s) had always persisted in his opposition to the beating of women. And men came to him to complain about their women; then he gave them permission, but said: "I cannot bear to see a quick-tempered man beat his wife in a fit of anger."' (Ibn Sa'd.)
The Prophet (s) also said: `How can any one of you beat his wife as he might beat a camel, and then expect to embrace her at night?' (Bukhari and Muslim.)
According to other hadiths, he appears to have forbidden the beating of women completely: `Do not beat Allah's handmaidens! ` (Abu Daud, Nasa'i, Ibn Maja, al-Hakim.)
Put together, all these sources suggest that beating, if it has to be done at all, should be a last resort to punish a wife for some major sin, such as adultery. It is the final manifestation of the husband's authority, not the first; a deterrent aimed at holding the marriage together.
CONTRACT
An Islamically-valid marriage requires the fulfillment of five obligatory conditions:
(1) the consent of the guardian (or in his absence, or unjust refusal, the qadi); (2) the consent of the man and the woman; (3) the agreed-upon dower (mahr); (4) two Muslim witnesses of good character (shahiday adl); (5) an `offer and immediate acceptance' (ijab wa-qubul) using the word `marriage' or `wedding'
. Practices which are sunna but not obligatory are:
(1) the engagement proposal (khitba) made earlier to the guardian or in his presence; (2) the religious speech (khutba) before the marriage; (3) the bride and groom should see each other and learn about each other before consent is given; (4) friends and relations should attend the ceremony; (5) the couple should intend `upholding the Sunna, preserving modesty and seeking offspring'; (6) the ceremony should ideally take place in the local mosque and during the month of Shawwal.
CLEANLINESS
This is one of the basic aspects of Islam, and has been likened to half the faith. (Hadith in Ibn Hanbal.) It is certainly vital to marriage,The Blessed Prophet recommended ten things as being part of the fitra:
`Cutting the hair close on the lips, letting the beard grow, using the miswak for the teeth, cleaning out the nose, paring the nails, washing out the base of the fingers, removal of the hair in the armpits and pubic areas, washing the affected parts after a call of nature, and the rinsing of the mouth.' (Muslim.)
Some people need reminding of the obvious point of adab that not all of these cleansing activities should be done in public. People who have shaved off a large amount of hair in the bath or shower should remember that it can clog the drains. The Prophet's preferred method of disposal of haircutting's and nail parings was burning or burial, since these are part of the human body, and should not be discarded with ordinary filth and rubbish. See also `Washing' below.
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